Abraham Lincoln's Guide to a Successful Family Thanksgiving

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* 1. Your family just took a holiday selfie. Everyone is pleased except Cousin Curtis who was on the end and claims the camera distorted his face, making him look puffy. What would Abe do?

Loudly proclaim, "There is nothing more important than preserving sensitive human feelings," and retake the picture.

Demand that the picture be "henceforth forever destroyed" just as the photograph destroyed a piece of Curtis's soul.

Break the bad news to Curtis that "there are no bad pictures; that's just how your face looks sometimes."

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* 2. Uncle Tobias complains that your family is spreading fake news about vaccines. What would Abe do?

Explain to Tobias that "truth is always viewed through the cataracts of man."

Say to Tobias, "The great point is to bring them the real facts, and beer" and leave it at that.

Throw a turkey leg in the face of Tobias and storm away muttering about the "flaming indignation of a spurned and sacred Truth."

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* 3. You are accused of being slow in the family (non-contact) football game. What would Abe do?

Hold your head high and reply with a level stare, "I am a slow walker, but I never walk back."

Stomp your feet and point out that you are faster by far than Cousin Curtis who is "slower even than the growing of prarie grass."

Tackle the accuser and pin him to the ground yelling, "Wrassling's my sport, not football!"

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* 4. Aunt Althea's new boyfriend, Chad, gives off the impression of brutish folly. What would Abe do?

Sit next to Chad, and think "I don't like that man. I must get to know him better."

Avoid Chad, and mutter "to talk with a fool is to waste your breath."

Sit next to Aunt Althea to confirm that she is of sound mind for "tis best to have a family that reasons with each other."

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* 5. Chad (see above) is complaining about his ex-wife. He says she should be behind bars. What would Abe do?

Tell him that in your personal experience "mercy bears richer fruits than strict justice."

Explain that nobody belongs behind bars, and that the only true prison is the "prison of the mind."

Go ahead and order her arrest saying, "What honest good is my power if it is not used for the benefit of my friends?" Chad is a new friend and a reasonable fellow afterall!

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* 6. Nephew Pat has spent the past two days on the couch playing Fortnite. Now he is complaining that the turkey is dry. What would Abe do?

Shout, "Let me wrassle him for he makes my hot blood boil over!"

Compliment the moistness of the turkey. For "an insult by one can be undone by a kind word from another."

Remind the rapscallion that "he has a right to criticize, who has a heart to help!"

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* 7. You are asked by Grandma June to chop some firewood. What would Abe do?

Calmly explain that you are the president of the United States and do not EVER chop firewood. Sure, you did your fair share of chopping as a youth, but now "those rough-hewn days are but a mite in mine eye."

Use it as an opportunity to share a metaphor and say, "Give me six hours to chop down a tree and I will spend the first four sharpening the axe." Then turn metaphor to action and get sharpening.

Ask your wife to do it saying, "Women will only be equal to men when she wields the ax as she tends the hearth."

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* 8. Dinner is done. Dessert comes in time, and there is only one piece left of your favorite apple pie. What would Abe do?

Hasten to the pie saying, "Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle."

Do not eat the pie because, as you like to say, "sugar is a vice, and vices are best avoided."

Give the pie to your dog, Fido for "animals are blameless fools and deserve better than any man."