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Respondent Type: Anonymous Response  Collector: Young Male Abused by Older Female Collector (Web Link)
Custom Value: emptyIP Address: empty  
Response Started: Tuesday, September 18, 2012 12:20:25 PM   Response Modified: Tuesday, September 18, 2012 12:45:51 PM
1. Because this subject matter can veer into taboo subject and confessions, it is completely anonymous. Absolutely no personal information is being gathered about you - only your responses to these questions - not even the I.P. address of your computer. My hope is this freedom will enable you to unload your shame and allow others to see they are not alone. Please come up with a nickname to hide your identity in the event I read your responses on the show. If you are feeling suicidal PLEASE call the Suicide Prevention Hotline 800-273-8255.
freejay
2. Choose any of the following that apply
I am a male who has been seduced by a much older female
3. Please describe what happened and the ages of those involved. If it is a fantasy describe what you would like to happen and the ages of those involved in the fantasy.
When I was 17 I had a month long affair with a 51 year old alcoholic woman. She was a neighborhood friend of one of my friends, and we used to hang out at her place and smoke weed and maybe drink some. One night I came by alone and she was extremely drunk and flirtatious. She decided we should relax in her hot tub so we disrobed and hung out in the tub for a while, and that's when she made her move. I wasn't a virgin but I was very inexperienced. We had sex two times that night and several more times throughout the month, and it was very intense and gratifying. It began to take an emotional toll because she was alcoholic and suicidal. When her young daughter returned from a long stay at grandma's I took the opportunity to end it.
4. If something happened, did you ever tell anyone? Did you think it was normal? Do you believe it has had any affect on you?
I told just about everyone but my parents. At the time I thought it was a non-issue. It was a fun, weird romp, and I thought about it that way for years and years. It wasn't until I was in my second year of therapy that I even thought to bring it up, and it turned out to be a revelation. I realized it had informed my partner choices for years.
5. Remembering these things, what feelings come up? Sadness, anger, regret, sexual excitement, fondness, longing, shame, etc.
I feel a mixture of sadness, regret and excitement. I think about her occasionally, but she is almost certainly dead by now.
6. Do you feel any damage was done, it was innocent and natural, or somewhere in between?
Damage was certainly done. What I learned in therapy was that I had been taken advantage of. I thought since I was the male and was getting sex that I was winning somehow, and I never thought it had been a problem. My therapist said that rape or molestation victims often have to wrestle with the fact that it sometimes felt good, even though it was wrong and they were the victim. I did not have that issue. I knew it felt good and was fine with it. But here's what it did: it eroticized craziness for me. Many of my later partners were unstable but could fuck like wild banshees. Time after time I would forsake stability for sexual intensity.
7. If you have never experienced one of the above situations, and it is only a fantasy, how does that fantasy make you feel? Do you feel it is something that might happen some day?
Oh, I experienced all of it.
8. What best describes the environment you were raised in?
A Little Dysfunctional
9. Have you ever been the victim of sexual abuse outside of events described here?
Yes and I never reported it
10. What gender are you?
Male
11. Are you gay, straight, bisexual or asexual (not interested in either sex)?
Straight
12. How old are you?
40-49
13. If you broke any laws, did anyone ever find out?
Yes
Yes, but the police never found out.
14. Do you have any comments or suggestions to make the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast better?
Hey Paul, I really think you should watch The Great Porn Experiment video and study yourbrainonporn.com. From there you can find reddit.com/r/nofap, a community of people trying to reboot their brains from years of masturbating to internet porn. It's absolutely fascinating and has changed my life. And I have you to thank for it. In your interview with Michaela Watkins she mentioned the book Cupid's Poisoned Arrow, which led me down this bunny trail and exposed a huge problem in my life that I didn't even know could BE a problem. Weeks back you had a listener write in distressed because he was straight and getting into shemale porn. What you didn't realize is that this is a typical path of novelty escalation for the habitual porn user, and the kink goes away if you can stop the porn. I'm thirty days into my reboot and the difference is already remarkable.