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Respondent Type: Anonymous Response  Collector: Young Male Abused by Older Female Collector (Web Link)
Custom Value: emptyIP Address: empty  
Response Started: Wednesday, April 10, 2013 1:41:53 AM   Response Modified: Wednesday, April 10, 2013 1:55:10 AM
1. Because this subject matter can veer into taboo subject and confessions, it is completely anonymous. Absolutely no personal information is being gathered about you - only your responses to these questions - not even the I.P. address of your computer. My hope is this freedom will enable you to unload your shame and allow others to see they are not alone. Please come up with a nickname to hide your identity in the event I read your responses on the show. If you are feeling suicidal PLEASE call the Suicide Prevention Hotline 800-273-8255.
missionarywithmommy
2. Choose any of the following that apply
I am a male who fantasizes about sexual situations with a much older female
I am a male who has been molested by a much older female
3. Please describe what happened and the ages of those involved. If it is a fantasy describe what you would like to happen and the ages of those involved in the fantasy.
Sexual and personal space boundaries were completely ignored and smudged out by my mother. Forced to change in front of her, "helping me shower" til I was almost 13, wiping her vagina in front of me, forcing me to expose myself, all kinds of shit short of straight up fucking me. All kinds of things from when I was very young, about 4 or 5, until around 13. Then also those comments where she called me by my father's name with a hateful tone, "You're just like your father," etc.. To be honest your show with Phil Hendrie was incredible because so much of what you both said was exactly my experience.
4. If something happened, did you ever tell anyone? Did you think it was normal? Do you believe it has had any affect on you?
I told almost no one until I entered therapy for the third time. It, along with other psychological abuse, made me vicious and sadistic. Including sexually. I've sought therapy and I know the meaning of the word "sadist", and that it's not to be used lightly. I believed every relationship in the world was abuser-victim. I determined not to be the victim. I have not had children. With male friends and acquaintances even, I became a verbal torturer. I was an untouchable heckler, I had learned how to be immune to retaliation from my mother's tactics. I stopped doing it with a small number of friends because I valued them and I knew that they would not be there for me if I continued. I have sought relationships with many women purely with the intention of victimizing them and "eating" them as I think of it. Of course not literally, but the satisfaction of inflicting trauma and scarring them satisfied me in a very deep and sustaining way.
5. Remembering these things, what feelings come up? Sadness, anger, regret, sexual excitement, fondness, longing, shame, etc.
Ambivalence, awareness that I need to adapt as well as I can grow beyond it.
6. Do you feel any damage was done, it was innocent and natural, or somewhere in between?
Massive damage was done deliberately.
7. If you have never experienced one of the above situations, and it is only a fantasy, how does that fantasy make you feel? Do you feel it is something that might happen some day?
it's not a fantasy? This question shouldn't be mandatory.
8. What best describes the environment you were raised in?
Pretty Dysfunctional
9. Have you ever been the victim of sexual abuse outside of events described here?
Yes and I never reported it
10. What gender are you?
Male
11. Are you gay, straight, bisexual or asexual (not interested in either sex)?
Straight
12. How old are you?
20-29
13. If you broke any laws, did anyone ever find out?
No
14. Do you have any comments or suggestions to make the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast better?
Make the female guests talk more about getting abused and fucked by their dads and shit like that. It's hot.