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Respondent Type: Anonymous Response  Collector: Young Male Abused by Older Female Collector (Web Link)
Custom Value: emptyIP Address: empty  
Response Started: Thursday, June 13, 2013 1:22:41 PM   Response Modified: Thursday, June 13, 2013 1:45:36 PM
1. Because this subject matter can veer into taboo subject and confessions, it is completely anonymous. Absolutely no personal information is being gathered about you - only your responses to these questions - not even the I.P. address of your computer. My hope is this freedom will enable you to unload your shame and allow others to see they are not alone. Please come up with a nickname to hide your identity in the event I read your responses on the show. If you are feeling suicidal PLEASE call the Suicide Prevention Hotline 800-273-8255.
Coleman Silk
2. Choose any of the following that apply
I am a male who fantasizes about sexual situations with a much older female
I am a male who has been seduced by a much older female
I am a male who has been molested by a much older female
3. Please describe what happened and the ages of those involved. If it is a fantasy describe what you would like to happen and the ages of those involved in the fantasy.
I was molested by my older stepsister when I was about 8. She was in her early teens. Mutual masturbation, oral sex, vaginal sex, the whole nine. I don't think I ever had an orgasm because I was definitely prepubesecent (sp?). But I remember the experiences to be physically pleasing.
4. If something happened, did you ever tell anyone? Did you think it was normal? Do you believe it has had any affect on you?
My mother and step-father caught us going at it in the bathtub. We both lied and said it was the first time we did anything of the kind. We were lectured not to do it again. I never told anyone about it ever, not a friend, family member, spouse, therapist, no one. I hate having to lie when a mental health professional asks if I was ever a victim of sexual abuse and there's that two-second pause before I say "no."
5. Remembering these things, what feelings come up? Sadness, anger, regret, sexual excitement, fondness, longing, shame, etc.
Anger that I was violated, anger that my mother did nothing to stop it (the "activities" continued after we got caught). I confronted my mother about it many years later and she claimed she thought it was only a one-off. She gave me the option of discussing it further, or making a mutual agreement never to bring it up again; I chose the latter. My mother often complains we're not close enough and I feel like yelling "THAT'S BECAUSE YOU LET ME GET MOLESTED YOU BITCH" but I never do.
6. Do you feel any damage was done, it was innocent and natural, or somewhere in between?
I used to not think it was a big deal, until I got older and noticed what 8 year olds look like and act like. It became clear to me then that no 8 year old could possibly consent to sexual activity and what was done to me was clearly a gross violation by a sick predator. I wonder a lot if any long-term damage was done. I've had severe depression and anxiety as long as I can remember (I contemplate suicide several times a day) but I don't know if the abuse has anything to do with that. I wish I could visit an alternate universe where the abuse didn't happen and see if I turned out any different. I have always had an attraction to women about 10 years older than me; I figure the abuse must have something to do with that. Thankfully the cycle stopped with me, I have never had the slightest sexual interest in children.
7. If you have never experienced one of the above situations, and it is only a fantasy, how does that fantasy make you feel? Do you feel it is something that might happen some day?
Sometimes I fantasize about tracking down this woman (the abuser) and confronting her. Not violently, I would just like an honest answer as to why she did what she did. She had a distinct name and I think I could probably find her if I really tried. But I would never go through with it, as I'm pretty sure the experience would be a let down at best and a disaster at worst.
8. What best describes the environment you were raised in?
Pretty Dysfunctional
9. Have you ever been the victim of sexual abuse outside of events described here?
No I have never been sexually abused
10. What gender are you?
11. Are you gay, straight, bisexual or asexual (not interested in either sex)?
12. How old are you?
13. If you broke any laws, did anyone ever find out?
Not Sure
14. Do you have any comments or suggestions to make the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast better?
Not really, I like it a lot the way it is. Sometimes it annoys me when you criticize yourself, but I guess telling you not to do that would be as effective as telling a depressed person to "just cheer up."