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Respondent Type: Anonymous Response  Collector: Young Male Abused by Older Female Collector (Web Link)
Custom Value: emptyIP Address: empty  
Response Started: Sunday, November 24, 2013 10:18:10 AM   Response Modified: Sunday, November 24, 2013 11:55:55 AM
1. Because this subject matter can veer into taboo subject and confessions, it is completely anonymous. Absolutely no personal information is being gathered about you - only your responses to these questions - not even the I.P. address of your computer. My hope is this freedom will enable you to unload your shame and allow others to see they are not alone. Please come up with a nickname to hide your identity in the event I read your responses on the show. If you are feeling suicidal PLEASE call the Suicide Prevention Hotline 800-273-8255.
Sparky
2. Choose any of the following that apply
I am a male who seduced a much older female
I am a male who has been seduced by a much older female
I am a male who has been molested by a much older female
3. Please describe what happened and the ages of those involved. If it is a fantasy describe what you would like to happen and the ages of those involved in the fantasy.
She was thirty-six and a member of my family's rural church. I was fourteen or fifteen, a virgin, a loner, confused about my sexuality and so full of anger and hopelessness. She had always seemed weird, socially awkward, desperately lonely. Not really on my radar, just another adult that was around. Then one day there was a pool party at a fellow church-goers house, and she was laying out in a bikini. I was suddenly so attracted to her that it was overwhelming. I started being nicer to her. Friendlier. Ingratiating myself to her, though I didn't think of it as such at the time. She loved the outdoors and outdoor activities. She invited me to go hiking with her, and of course I said yes. I was a pale out-of-shape nerd, and the hike almost killed me, but she wore these tiny little shorts and I stared at her ass the entire time. Afterwards we went back to her house to watch a movie. She had a one of those giant corner couches that are big enough to seat an entire family, but we sat very close together. We went through the agonizing, thrilling dance of awkward self-conscious attraction. Inching closer to one another, a hand incidentally touching a thigh, and so on. Finally we kissed. She told me that she had been waiting all night for me to do that, and then moved on to my lap. We kissed more, and she let me take off her shirt and taught me how to take off her bra. She took off my shirt. We made out for probably an hour or two, and then she took me home. Over the next few months we would repeat that experience. I would come over to her house to "watch movies," but we'd just make out the whole time. My parents would even let me stay the night at her house sometimes. I kept trying to push boundaries. I felt her breasts and her ass and we would "dry hump" through our clothes as we made out. I wanted more. She felt extremely guilty about the whole thing and was very reluctant to let things go much further. One day she was coming over to pick me up to spend the day with her. It was in the morning, and I was still asleep. My parents let her come upstairs to wake me up (I was a heavy sleeper and a real pain in the ass to wake up on a good day.) She woke me up with kisses, and I pulled her into bed with me. We made out in my bed, and I rubbed her stomach and then put my hand down the front of her pants. I don't think she came. I had no idea what I was doing. Then I took her hand and put it on my stomach. She rubbed it for a while, and she knew what I was asking for. She told me that she couldn't do it, that she felt too guilty. I didn't stop pushing, but that was the farthest that we ever got.
4. If something happened, did you ever tell anyone? Did you think it was normal? Do you believe it has had any affect on you?
I have told several people, and it's not something that I'm ashamed of. At the time I had told my older female cousin about it, who I was very close with at the time (another incredibly dysfunctional relationship, but not sexual.) I found out years later that my cousin had confronted the woman about what she was doing with me. She had thought that she was protecting me, but I remember being so angry when I found out about that.
5. Remembering these things, what feelings come up? Sadness, anger, regret, sexual excitement, fondness, longing, shame, etc.
I feel very conflicted. It is sexually exciting to remember those feelings, and I wish I could feel that way again. It was such a high to be with a woman who had seemed so completely unattainable to me. That someone so much older would want me was a rush. Any sadness or shame that I feel about this comes from the way that I acted, which is something most people don't get. She obviously had a lot of mental health issues, at least as many as I do. Part of me feels really bad for the way that I repeatedly pushed her boundaries. She is responsible for her own actions, but I knew early on that I didn't love her (or even respect her, really) and still pushed as hard as I could to get as far as I could with her. I'm sure, looking back, that I triggered a lot of shame and self-loathing for her. I think that I am a better man now. I have more empathy and compassion. But when I fantasize about going back and doing it all over again, I think about how -- knowing what I now know -- I could make her cum when I fingered her. I could manipulate her in ways that I never would have thought of. If I could go back, I think I could get her to fuck me. I'd like to believe that I wouldn't. But I do believe that I could. And that gets me off. I hate that it gets me off, but it does.
6. Do you feel any damage was done, it was innocent and natural, or somewhere in between?
I am only attracted to unattainable women. In writing this I have realized that, at least in part, I am chasing that rush that I felt all those years ago. I am definitely fucked in the head, but I don't think it's from this. If anything, I think this is a symptom of my greater injury. I feel like a monster that has an overwhelming and endless hunger for other people's lust. I want to be lusted after, and I can never get enough. I don't know where that comes from. I sometimes wonder if I have repressed an earlier incident of molestation. I have always felt highly sexual compared to the people around me. I have a very clear memory of being probably 10 or 11 in our church's library and reading a book about stranger danger. The book stated that no child ever wanted to be molested, and I remember being so indignant. They were obviously wrong because *I* wanted to be molested. I wanted to be sexualized. This is already feels too long so I won't even go in to all the sex games and stuff that happened between me and my cousins and neighbor. I don't know if I am just naturally fucked up, or if there is some event buried deep in my past that made me this way. It feels really good to talk about it, though.
7. If you have never experienced one of the above situations, and it is only a fantasy, how does that fantasy make you feel? Do you feel it is something that might happen some day?
I have a lot of incest fantasies, and have fantasized about sex with my mom. I fantasize sometimes about breast feeding and being infantilized sexually.
8. What best describes the environment you were raised in?
Stable & Safe
9. Have you ever been the victim of sexual abuse outside of events described here?
Some stuff happened but I don't know if it counts as sexual abuse
I was watching TV with a male cousin one year older than me. I was probably 8 or 9. He told me we were going to play a game and to stand up, and then he pulled down my pants. He told me to sit down, and he had taken his penis out and it was rubbing up and down in my butt crack. I thought it was great and at my "insistence" we played the game a few more times in a row. His dad caught us and was very angry. Another time that same cousin convinced me to put on a diaper and go out where his dad and his dad's girlfriend were watching TV. He told me it was a joke and that he did it all the time, and they thought it was hilarious. I remember being humiliated and at the same time excited. I'm sure this sounds very much like abuse to anyone else, but I was always completely willing and enjoyed these things. I believe that there is something else in my past at the real root of all of this, but I can't remember.
10. What gender are you?
Male
11. Are you gay, straight, bisexual or asexual (not interested in either sex)?
Bisexual
12. How old are you?
20-29
13. If you broke any laws, did anyone ever find out?
No
14. Do you have any comments or suggestions to make the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast better?
I am still getting caught up, but when I run out of new episodes to listen to I know it's going to feel a lot lonelier at my third shift driving job. Thank you so much for what you do. You have helped me more than you can know.