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Respondent Type: Anonymous Response  Collector: Young Male Abused by Older Female Collector (Web Link)
Custom Value: emptyIP Address: empty  
Response Started: Saturday, August 24, 2013 10:14:09 AM   Response Modified: Saturday, August 24, 2013 10:51:19 AM
1. Because this subject matter can veer into taboo subject and confessions, it is completely anonymous. Absolutely no personal information is being gathered about you - only your responses to these questions - not even the I.P. address of your computer. My hope is this freedom will enable you to unload your shame and allow others to see they are not alone. Please come up with a nickname to hide your identity in the event I read your responses on the show. If you are feeling suicidal PLEASE call the Suicide Prevention Hotline 800-273-8255.
2. Choose any of the following that apply
I am a male who has been seduced by a much older female
3. Please describe what happened and the ages of those involved. If it is a fantasy describe what you would like to happen and the ages of those involved in the fantasy.
I don't remember for sure how old I was but I think it started when I was 15 and she was in her late 30s. I was a geek and at that time we didn't have the Internet but we did have a community that was based around bulletin board systems and modems. We referred to ourselves as "modemers" and we had a small group that would get together socially from time to time. I had only had one sexual experience where I touched and sucked on my girlfriends breasts and we were naked together but nothing happened and she dumped me not too long after that. I was relating this failed sexual foray to a woman that I met on the BBSes and she was very kind and told me it was too bad that I got started that way. Some time after that I was at a party at her house and I was going to leave and she offered to walk me out. We hugged outside and she gave me a deep kiss that made me dizzy. I remember wondering if it had really happened and then later thinking that it must have been because she was drinking that she did it. I asked her via E-Mail if it was the booze and she said no, that she wanted to do it and was glad that I liked it. This was the beginning of a multi-year relationship that included us having sex at her house several times and continued through her getting engaged and marrying another guy and me having various girlfriends in high school. I don't remember everything but I do recall sitting on her couch while she masturbated me with a paper towel handy and smoked a cigarette and one time when we were having sex when I came to her house after school and her husband came home in the middle of it and we had to scramble and I had to make up an excuse about being so sweaty because it was hot in school and we had no air conditioning. I also remember going to her house for a party when I was a senior in high school and bringing my girlfriend and her putting her hands down my pants when we were alone in her bedroom and telling me that she didn't know about this "girlfriend thing" and that she was jealous (this was after she was already married.) Eventually she became pregnant and she told me that she didn't know if it was mine or her husband's because we had both had sex with her around the same time the baby was conceived. It wasn't long after this that I lost touch with her and several years later I heard that she had COPD due to her smoking and I'm pretty sure she is dead now.
4. If something happened, did you ever tell anyone? Did you think it was normal? Do you believe it has had any affect on you?
It took me a very long time but eventually I came to the realization that what happened to me was not right and that it may even be classified as molestation. I did have orgasms and I was "getting laid" and all that but I was emotionally immature for my age and I don't know that I could have really given consent at that time. It was definitely not normal and I wish it had not happened to me. It gave me a twisted point of view on sex, that it was dirty and needed to be hidden and that it was OK to have sex outside of a relationship. I cheated on every girlfriend that I had until I met the woman who would eventually be come my wife and then my ex-wife. When I finally got the guts up to tell my wife that I had been molested she recoiled and told me that I had better go "talk to someone" about that and I believe that that moment may have been the beginning of the end of our marriage. I have since told one girlfriend about it (she was shocked by it and somewhat stunned I think, her response was more or less that it wasn't molestation because I was a teenager and it was with a woman) and I have told a couple of female friends and my therapist. I am only now at the age of 42 realizing the ways that this relationship over two decades ago has impacted me. I feel that it was molestation but I also feel guilty calling it that, as if I am taking away or minimizing the experiences of people who were "really molested." Somehow the fact that I was a teenage boy and she was an older woman teaching me about sex is supposed to make it cool or make me lucky but it doesn't feel like either of those things.
5. Remembering these things, what feelings come up? Sadness, anger, regret, sexual excitement, fondness, longing, shame, etc.
It makes me feel sad to wonder where I would be now if I had had a more normal sexual upbringing. I am not angry with her and I have no desire to villianize her to other people but I wish that things had been different. I have so much shame about what happened and guilt about how I have disrespected the women in my life by cheating on them. I do not want to be the kind of person who cheats but I have done it so many times and it feels terrible, the guilt is almost overwhelming at times. I contracted genital herpes and I'm not sure who gave it to me but I'm pretty sure it was from one of the women I cheated with and it feels like it may be something I earned with my bad behavior.
6. Do you feel any damage was done, it was innocent and natural, or somewhere in between?
I feel that I don't really know how much damage was done to me. I think that she did not have bad intentions but both she and I should have "known better" and not done it. I never told her no but I should have, I wish I would have. It was neither innocent nor natural.
7. If you have never experienced one of the above situations, and it is only a fantasy, how does that fantasy make you feel? Do you feel it is something that might happen some day?
8. What best describes the environment you were raised in?
Stable & Safe
9. Have you ever been the victim of sexual abuse outside of events described here?
No I have never been sexually abused
10. What gender are you?
11. Are you gay, straight, bisexual or asexual (not interested in either sex)?
12. How old are you?
13. If you broke any laws, did anyone ever find out?
14. Do you have any comments or suggestions to make the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast better?
Keep up the good work Paul, it is because of your podcast that I was able to work up the courage to get into therapy and I am confident that with my therapist's help I will be able to work through this and eventually become a better person.