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Respondent Type: Anonymous Response  Collector: Young Male Abused by Older Female Collector (Web Link)
Custom Value: emptyIP Address: empty  
Response Started: Sunday, May 12, 2013 1:21:47 AM   Response Modified: Sunday, May 12, 2013 1:48:18 AM
1. Because this subject matter can veer into taboo subject and confessions, it is completely anonymous. Absolutely no personal information is being gathered about you - only your responses to these questions - not even the I.P. address of your computer. My hope is this freedom will enable you to unload your shame and allow others to see they are not alone. Please come up with a nickname to hide your identity in the event I read your responses on the show. If you are feeling suicidal PLEASE call the Suicide Prevention Hotline 800-273-8255.
is this happening?
2. Choose any of the following that apply
I am a male who has been molested by a much older female
3. Please describe what happened and the ages of those involved. If it is a fantasy describe what you would like to happen and the ages of those involved in the fantasy.
When I was 14, I lost my virginity to a 26 old woman who lived in our house. She used to nanny for our neighbors' children when I was 7 to 9, then she got married and moved away. She remained in touch with my parents, and moved in with us after her divorce. I used to sleep in her bedroom, and she first engaged in sexual activities in the middle of the night, pretending to be doing these things while still asleep. I believed she was in fact asleep and got a rush of excitement from what was happening. Eventually she started to do things while awake, until one morning she climbed on me and we had sex. During the act, she asked if it was ok she was taking my virginity. Of course I said yet. She convinced me we were in love, and we continued to have sex for almost 3 months. We would do riskier and riskier things, such as have sex in the room next to my mother under a blanket when she had a direct line of sight to us on the couch if she were to turn around. Then one day she stopped everything suddenly and gave me the cold shoulder, never telling me why or talking about it again.
4. If something happened, did you ever tell anyone? Did you think it was normal? Do you believe it has had any affect on you?
I did not tell anyone until 10 years later when I told a friend. I felt intense shame and thought I would be judged harshly if anyone ever found out. My friend was very supportive and it was a great weight lifted from finally sharing. I have since told many people and it has taken most of the power away from the events. I just entered therapy to finally explore it completely so I can build fully healthy relationships with women. I thought it was very abnormal, and that I was the only person that something like this happened to. It definitely had significant impact on my ability to be intimate with women. I was horribly shy and afraid of women rejecting me, or later abandoning me. When I did finally have a serious girlfriend that I wanted to have sex with, it was 8 years later at the age of 22. I found that I could not get an erection, and the more I thought about it, the worse the problem became. It took a few weeks and many tries before it finally happened, thus instilling this as a constant fear and a reason to avoid physical intimacy in future relationships as long as possible. That relationship lasted 3 and a half years, but included a woefully small amount of sex, usually aided by self-medication with alcohol. That trick continued in the next major relationship, where the sex was a bit better and easier, but always under the influence. But a lack of emotional intimacy and honesty in both relationships stemming from the abuse doomed them, and I ended up deciding to be single and celibate for 5 years. It is only now I am attempting to re-enter into relationships with the help of therapy.
5. Remembering these things, what feelings come up? Sadness, anger, regret, sexual excitement, fondness, longing, shame, etc.
I feel intense regret for not doing something to address these issues years ago. By not getting therapy, avoiding intimacy, and choosing to be alone, I allowed those 3 months to rob me of 18 years of intimate relationships and to make me terrified of sex and vulnerability. It also makes me feel anger at my parents for never seeing what was happening right under their noses in their own house, and still having no clue. It makes me wonder if I will ever have a healthy intimate relationship with another person, if sex will ever be a joyful act that I look forward to rather than dread.
6. Do you feel any damage was done, it was innocent and natural, or somewhere in between?
I already listed in pretty thorough detail the damage done. It was manipulative and unnatural. For the first time since it happened, I can state without doubt that I was sexually abused. I finally accept that reality because I see the damage it has done, and the damage not calling it by its name (abuse) has done.
7. If you have never experienced one of the above situations, and it is only a fantasy, how does that fantasy make you feel? Do you feel it is something that might happen some day?
N/A
8. What best describes the environment you were raised in?
Pretty Dysfunctional
9. Have you ever been the victim of sexual abuse outside of events described here?
Yes and I never reported it
10. What gender are you?
Male
11. Are you gay, straight, bisexual or asexual (not interested in either sex)?
Straight
12. How old are you?
30-39
13. If you broke any laws, did anyone ever find out?
No
14. Do you have any comments or suggestions to make the Mental Illness Happy Hour podcast better?
I love all of the wonderful celebrity guests you have, but I really enjoy the listener episodes when you have a listener in an interesting profession talk about their experiences, like the professional escort and the CPA worker. More episodes of that nature would be great. But all of them are good, and I appreciate what you do!