Nothing wets the dock like market research!

In an effort to better serve a devoted public, we request your participation in a survey that will ascertain the romantic experiences, desires and abnormalities of our customer base. We absolutely, totally promise not to enrich ourselves by selling your private information to advertisers or circulate your darkest secrets around the office for our own amusement. We thank you for your ongoing loyalty to our brand and wish you a #blessed Valentine's Day.

* 1. Why are you participating in this survey?

* 2. What is your relationship status?

* 3. Why did your last relationship fail? (Check all that apply.)

* 4. Rank, in order of preference, your ideal first date:

* 5. How would you describe your body type? (Check all that apply.)

* 6. During sex, do you...

  Always Never Birthdays only If the Lord commands it Not since the antlers grew in
Give selfless pleasure with no expectation of reciprocity?
Recite the digits of Pi?
Check Tinder?
Fantasize about sports?
Think of how vanilla this is compared to all the wild shit your ex would do?
Flawlessly execute the Glowing Juniper?
Perform moves whose names include cities in Ohio?

* 7. To the best of your recollection, when was the last time you...

Felt loved?
Let your guard down and made yourself vulnerable, like a sucker?
Were pursued by a suitor through a hedge maze?
Became so inflamed by the passions of carnal desire that you thought you could actually kill a person, so you did?
Thought about the pretty red-haired girl in your class who moved away before you ever worked up the courage to talk to her?

* 8. How do you sabotage your relationships? (Check all that apply.)

* 9. Your long-lost first love...

* 10. Which of the following images most accurately conveys your idea of "Relationship Goals"?