"How's My Driving?"

A Customer Satisfaction Survey From Some Asshole Who Cut You Off

Qualmetrics® has been retained to help some asshole improve the quality of their shitty driving. Survey respondents will be entered in a drawing to win a Miofive® 4K Dash Cam.

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* 1. Do you recall being cut off by some asshole?

Yes

No (Sorry, you are not eligible for this survey! But... if you don't recall being cut off by some asshole, you might be the asshole.)

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* 2. When some asshole cut you off, where was your attention?

I had my eye on that asshole the whole fucking time, how could they not see me?

Shh! Can't you see I'm on the phone?

I remember screaming. Oh, then peeing my pants. So, screaming and peeing, I guess.

I was already plotting my revenge

My passengers were singing, "I see a little silhouetto of a man, Scaramouch, Scaramouch, will you do the Fandango! Thunderbolts and lightning, very, very frightening me. Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Galileo, Figaro!"

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* 3. How likely is it that you would recommend some asshole to a friend or colleague?

NOT AT ALL LIKELY

EXTREMELY LIKELY

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* 4. Which of the following words would you use to describe the service you received from some asshole? You may select all that apply.

Excellent Value

High Quality

Scary as Fuck

Distracted as a Motherfucker

Competitive

Like That Dream Where My Parachute Fails to Open

Customer-Oriented

Serious as a Fucking Heart Attack

Swervy

Excuse Me, Does That Asshole Even Look 16 to You?!

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* 5. Compared to other assholes, how did this asshole make you feel?

Exceeded my expectations (this rage is cathartic! I'm gonna sleep well tonight)

Met my expectations (obviously I'm pissed, but this wasn't personal... right?)

Below my expectations (truck nutz? C'mon, I expected more from you)

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* 6. How much better of a driver are you than the other assholes on the road?

Much better

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* 7. Was the other asshole respectful and courteous?

Extremely friendly

Very friendly

Somewhat friendly

Not so friendly

Not at all friendly

Ha ha yeah sure! What's the real answer?

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* 8. How could the asshole who cut you off have improved their assholery?

Slamming brakes to force a rear-end collision

Retaliatory campaign of targeted harrassment and threatening behavior

Tailgating me

Brandishing weapons

(Chef's kiss) There is nothing they could have done better-- this asshole was the fucking worst

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* 9. Some asshole is definitely interested in your opinion, and you shouldn’t feel suspicious at all. Please take 30 minutes of your time freestyling on a topic of your choosing:

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* 10. Would you like to enter your name in the drawing to win a Miofive® 4K Dash Cam?

Yes, please provide email address (Are you serious? Don't give your email to some asshole!)