I am a 40-year-old female who has been married to my 51-year-old husband for ten years. I have struggled with depression and anxiety since being officially diagnosed in 2013. Prior to this diagnosis, I engaged in promiscuity, which I regret and found to be a low point in my life. However, I sought forgiveness from God and eventually met and married my current husband, being honest with him about my past from the beginning.
Throughout our marriage, I experienced emotional, verbal, and psychological abuse from my husband, leading to periods where I would temporarily leave but ultimately return to work on the relationship. My husband controlled the finances and did not trust me to have any interactions with other men, leading to strain in our marriage. In 2017/2018, I had a one-night stand with a colleague due to feeling unloved in my marriage. This led to my admission to a mental wellness clinic in 2018, where I began to recover.
After ten years of marriage and two children, the unhappiness in our relationship led to an in-house separation in 2023. During this time, my husband confessed that he had built a wall around himself due to my past, which prevented him from fully loving me. Feeling unfulfilled in my marriage, I moved out and began an affair, falling in love with someone else. When my husband had a change of heart and expressed his love for me, I was already involved with someone else.
Despite my infidelity, my husband wanted to reconcile and make the marriage work. We discussed divorce but ultimately decided to give our relationship another chance. I moved back home, but have been feeling numb and emotionless, possibly due to the medication I am taking for depression and anxiety. My husband feels I may be a narcissist or psychopath, and I struggle with the decision of whether to stay in the marriage or leave. I want to do what is best for my children and believe that my feelings for my husband will return over time.
I seek advice on whether to stay or go, as I feel conflicted and have isolated myself from friends and family to make a decision.